Obligatory Holiday Post
There can be a surreal dissection of your life as you separate the old you from the new you, the child from the adult. The holidays are when people experience a convergence of their past and their present, and see their social lives for what they are. Adult children absent, friends adoring, parents aging. Each major family holiday is an opportunity for us to perform for a reality we want, while we face the one we have.
me as a young child with santa, actually a young FDNY dad
Young families maintain fictions with their kids this time of year, particularly regarding Christmas. The fictions themselves are a mirror of the fiction we have to tell ourselves and them each day. For example, a special adult of immense power cares about you, and knows you, and judges you fairly. But in life, there is no fair judgement. Good kids who work hard at the goals placed before them by their parents rarely end up winning. They do not become star athletes or scientists or business leaders. Parents do not know all, and do not judge fairly, even if they try. They may be Santa Claus (spoiler alert), but they do not have great power. They are people like their children, only with a longer past and a future defined.
For myself, I do not spend holidays with people I do not like. I love and am loved by too many people to waste time with those who have meant me harm, or have not accepted me or people I care about. It can be sad, keeping yourself safe in this way. There’s a veneer of happiness laid over each intimate gathering of people who don’t care about you. They know enough of you to smile and ask questions about your life, but they have no interest in the answers. A moment of solitude is worth more to me than an supercilious smile at my or my family’s accomplishments.
Especially after the shitshow that is our social and political climate, many people choose to or must stay away on big holidays like this. The events we were forced to attend as children now a feature of a hazy past. And yet, at least for me, there’s a lingering absence that I can’t quite shake off.
The important thing to remember, I think, is what we are giving ourselves by letting these moments pass by. It can be hard in the moment, to go without, but the peace of being only with those who wish us well is a priceless gift.
